I’ve been trying to figure out what’s next. How do I appropriately and productively deal with the sadness that is still with me since losing my dad? After mulling around a few months, I think it’s time to dust myself off and start to figure things out, and there is no better way to dust off than by spreading happiness.
First, I decided that I would do one thing kind for my family each day. Seems easy. Seems good. Then, perhaps I should do one nice thing for a friend each day. Then I wondered if I should do something nice for myself. Now, I know that it seems selfish to include doing something kind for myself in that list, but I feel like I need to be gentle toward myself for awhile. Since August I’ve lost my dad, ended a relationship with a long term boyfriend, moved households twice, and just generally had a lot of chaos in my life. So, even though it makes me feel a little egotistical, I’m going to do something nice for me too. So here I go on my next quest. From now until the new year, I’m going to resolve to do one thing good for myself, my family and my friends each day. Sure, I try to live like this regardless, but I know I rarely take time to breathe them in and feel solid in my actions.
So my charge to complete 3 kindnesses a day and take note of them began yesterday. The whole day I kept questioning myself on if the kindness was big enough, meaningful enough to ‘count.’ But by the end of the day, I felt like maybe there is still some joy and meaning in my new life.
For myself, I went to paint with some of my girlfriends. We laughed, drank some wine, ate some cupcakes, and produce… ‘art’. I think Monet has a solid hold on his place in history; none of us are the underdog’s who might steal his glory. But regardless, it was nice to be nice to myself. I felt a little bad that it was so easy to find something to do that was kind, for myself. Shouldn’t I be a martyr? Shouldn’t it be hard to be kind to myself? But, I let those feelings go, and enjoyed the company of my friends.
For my family, I flipped off the Genworth Insurance headquarters building as I drove by. (Genworth gave my mother so much grief when we were trying to care for my dad.) I told my mother about it, and we laughed and laughed. Okay, I admit, not the classiest move, but it sure felt good.
And last on a more serious note, for my friend, I listened as she told me a heart breaking account of some abuse that she recently faced. I spent the whole day wondering if my kindnesses towards my friends counted as ‘good’ enough. Then, when she came to me with her story, I put all that aside and felt so grateful that she would feel safe enough with me to finally let go of carrying this huge burden alone. She’s such a beautiful person, who should be loved and celebrated, and I hope talking with me will begin the long journey towards feeling at peace with herself again.
Today, I’m off to a good start. The gym for me. Cooking dinner for a friend, and I believe I’ll send a card in the mail to a family member. I’m hoping the process of being more mindful of my actions will help pull me back around to a more centered me. So happy pre-New Year. I hope I can keep this resolution.