The Ungracefulness of Grace

Why is grace so miserably hard to accept?  Kindness, generosity, love, or concern- they are all painful to me right now.  I want, need and define myself by being ‘the’ caretaker.  Now I look around and not only is there nobody to take care of, but people want to take care of me.  What have I done to deserve this care and concern?  I have been a woefully inadequate friend over the last year.  I have tried, but the fact of the matter is, I have been physically and emotionally checked out from my normal social circles.  When my friends have been going away for weekends, I have been home with my family.  When my friends wanted to go hang out after work, I was too busy struggling to stay above water to have the extra time to spend in normal ways.  That said, I have done very little to cultivate my friendships.  So on top of the sorrow I feel this week realizing that my dad really is gone, I feel guilt.  I feel guilty that friends are cooking me dinner, listening, and taking me on walks.  I am the one who is supposed to be the cooker of comfort meals.  I am supposed to be the loving listener.  I am supposed to be the one who walks along side my friends.  In many ways, I am so grateful for my friends who have had long enough memories and understanding enough hearts to stick by me while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off for the last year.  But in other ways, the loss of my identity as the caretaker is just another loss to choke back.  So I guess like it or not, I am stuck groping around in the ungracefulness of grace.  I just hope I find my footing again soon, and can pour care into something healthy and positive again.

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4 thoughts on “The Ungracefulness of Grace

  1. Undeserving is a rough thing to experience. I am like you in that I am a “giver” and not a “receiver” but I agree that they are doing what they feel will help you and it’s okay to accept that!

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