The Long Pause

What is it about endings that make you crave beginnings?  The last week has been full of endings and hope for new beginnings.  I finally ended my relationship with Joe.  It was a long time coming, but it’s still emotional to end a relationship that you’ve had in your life.  And on a much more important scale, my dad is doing no better.  I don’t even dare to guess how long he has left.  Every estimate by every doctor, friend or family member has been eclipsed now.  I am living in the long pause, the slow inhale, before the exhale of the end.  I have fully accepted it now.  Sometimes, I think he has struggled this long so that we would all have time to accept this as the end, the final period (or for those that are spiritual, the semicolon.) 🙂

The end.  It’s such a loaded term.  All of my favorite childhood stories signed of in the famous phrase, “The End.”  But somehow after reading those words, I never really felt sad to say goodbye to the story.  It was always warming that the story was now part of my being, and it was good.  I’ve made peace with this as the feeling about my dad’s “The End.”  Up until his cancer, it truly was a fairy tale.  A story so pure and so good that it leaves you with warmth that glows from within.  I get to carry that forward with me.

I know this seems odd but my mom and I have already started grieving this, even though we are still in the long pause.  In truth, we really started grieving the day he was diagnosed.  This was in fact the inevitable outcome.  Now that he can’t communicate with us anymore, it’s easy to miss him already.  And so we step forward each day, ever so reluctantly and lightly, but the march of time and the inevitability of this all makes us walk forward regardless.  I can only hope that on the other side of this chapter I can begin anew with “Once Upon a Time.”  I could really use a “Once Upon a Time.”

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2 thoughts on “The Long Pause

  1. I think that you are very young to have to learn these truths, Bonnie, but you are correct. Some long endings ARE an opportunity to say goodbye, and to not be jarred into a new reality.
    There is also a term for the mourning that you have already been doing. It’s called anticipatory grief. I think that you will find that you are forever changed, but you will be alright. You sound strong. Still praying for all of you.

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