It’s funny the things that worry you when you’re going through a major life event. Here I am saddled with grief over watching my father slip away from me, and what’s nagging at me is that I need to break up with my boyfriend. Yes, that’s right. I have a boyfriend. To all my friends that might be reading this, bet you didn’t know that, huh? We started dating April 1, 2011. Yes, that’s 2011. He’s been around as ‘one of my best friends’ for a LONG time, but he’s really been my boyfriend. I have never once been giddy over him. I’ve never had butterflies. The thought of kissing him makes me want to yack, and the feeling must be mutual because we avoid kissing at all costs. It’s been easy to down play him for reasons like ‘my privacy’ or ‘he’s just a friend,’ and the reason it’s been so easy to portray him that way is I’ve never felt a smidgen more for him.
So, why the heck have you stayed with him for so long? Oh, I don’t know. #1 We have the same friends, and they have talked me out of it every time I confide that I don’t want to be with him. I even tried to break up with him in the first month, and the backlash from our mutual friends about killed me. (I’m chicken.) I would not only be hurting him, but all of our friends. #2 I also don’t want to be the bad guy and break up with a nice guy. #3 It’s given me a safety blanket to not date for a year and a half while I got over the one guy I’ve ever really loved. #4 Did I mention that I’m chicken; scared shitless to lose my friends or his friendship over this? The list of excuses goes on and on. So here I am a year and a half later, and I’ve never acknowledged his existence to my friends, family or really even to myself. I see so little of him that he’s easy to ignore, and when you’re busy days slip to weeks, weeks to months, and then you find yourself chin deep in a pile of shit.
I don’t want him though, and he deserves someone who loves him completely. I deserve that too. He’s just not someone I can really be proud of; he buckles any time things get a little hard. I buckle down when things get too hard. That difference in personality matters, a lot. And for whatever reason, I need to look at someone and deeply admire them in order to really love them. I just don’t feel that way. But how the heck do you break up with Mr. Nice Guy when you have only had 1 text message every month for months, and haven’t even heard each others voice in 3 months. Blah. I could really use some encouragement. Totally overwhelmed by this.