I am exhausted in depths and directions I never knew existed. Every day my dad wakes up is a miracle. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, thought he would make it this long. He’s had signs on his body for 3 weeks that most physician consider signs of the final hours or days. This is a waiting that I don’t think I could have ever appreciated had I not been through it. My dad is simply not going to get better; I know that. He’s quality of life is horrible; I know that. But the thought of him not being here breaks me. I am on edge every morning when I wake up to go check on him.
He’s also sick enough now that one missed sign will mean the end. The other day I was alone with my dad and noticed the smallest white around his mouth while he was laying back sleeping. Even though vomiting doesn’t normally come with this, he had started to throw up. This is extremely dangerous when a person is too weak to turn or lift their head. I went into overdrive trying to get him sitting upright, clear his mouth and keep him as clean as possible. It scared me to death because had I not noticed, he likely could have aspirated, which would mean the end. I would have always felt like I missed something that could have given him more time. Being on edge like that, ALL THE TIME, is exhausting. (Although, afterwards I couldn’t help but laugh because my dad and I both kept asking each other, “are you alright?” throughout the ordeal. Imagine him checking on me in the middle of that mess. I also laughed because all I had for him to throw up in was a bowl of ice cream I had been nursing. He deserves better than the Three Stooges care he often gets from me.)
I can’t help but try to find things to look forward too now. I know several of my friends my think it is weird that I have said that I want to get together, perhaps late August or September for dinner, or that I want to come see their new home, or that we should go out to the beach for the weekend. I seems weird to be making plans after my life changes so much. I know this type of exhaustion is not sustainable. I know that it can’t go on forever. I am staying with my dad as long as my dad stays with me. But, I have to have something good to look forward to too.
So even though I am past going, I am going to get myself up from this computer and go start making food for my dad’s next meal. I’m going to change his sheets and clothes. I’m going to find music he wants to listen to. I’m going to feed him. I’m going to love him. I will rest some other time. But, man, I really am tired.