I am exhausted in depths and directions I never knew existed.  Every day my dad wakes up is a miracle.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, thought he would make it this long. He’s had signs on his body for 3 weeks that most physician consider signs of the final hours or days.  This is a waiting that I don’t think I could have ever appreciated had I not been through it.  My dad is simply not going to get better; I know that.  He’s quality of life is horrible; I know that.  But the thought of him not being here breaks me.  I am on edge every morning when I wake up to go check on him.

He’s also sick enough now that one missed sign will mean the end.  The other day I was alone with my dad and noticed the smallest white around his mouth while he was laying back sleeping.  Even though vomiting doesn’t normally come with this, he had started to throw up.  This is extremely dangerous when a person is too weak to turn or lift their head.  I went into overdrive trying to get him sitting upright, clear his mouth and keep him as clean as possible.  It scared me to death because had I not noticed, he likely could have aspirated, which would mean the end.  I would have always felt like I missed something that could have given him more time.  Being on edge like that, ALL THE TIME, is exhausting.  (Although, afterwards I couldn’t help but laugh because my dad and I both kept asking each other, “are you alright?” throughout the ordeal.  Imagine him checking on me in the middle of that mess.  I also laughed because all I had for him to throw up in was a bowl of ice cream I had been nursing.  He deserves better than the Three Stooges care he often gets from me.)

I can’t help but try to find things to look forward too now.  I know several of my friends my think it is weird that I have said that I want to get together, perhaps late August or September for dinner, or that I want to come see their new home, or that we should go out to the beach for the weekend.  I seems weird to be making plans after my life changes so much.  I know this type of exhaustion is not sustainable.  I know that it can’t go on forever.  I am staying with my dad as long as my dad stays with me.  But, I have to have something good to look forward to too.

So even though I am past going, I am going to get myself up from this computer and go start making food for my dad’s next meal.  I’m going to change his sheets and clothes.  I’m going to find music he wants to listen to.  I’m going to feed him.  I’m going to love him.  I will rest some other time.  But, man, I really am tired.


8 thoughts on “Exhaustion

  1. you are a beautiful soul! how i wish i can comfort you somehow beyond sending comments or so..
    be strong and enjoy every moment with your dad..

    • Thanks orchid. You are as beautiful a spirit as your name suggests. I’ve actually been amazed by how much support I feel through the web. People I’ve never even met showing me grace and kindness. It means more than you’ll ever know. Thanks.

  2. Bless you! And who doesn’t love the Three Stooges? The best care of all is yours…it comes through in every word and every moment you share. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing…bless you, and take care of you too.

  3. Love you. I know it’s nearly impossible, but please try and remember to take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

    In terms of making plans for later in August or September…I think that is so wonderful and so necessary. I already sent you a whole list of fun things we are going to be doing together! And just think of the beautiful (and cooling) weather than will come around that time…we can spend time outside, laying in the sunshine, listening to music, eating ice cream, talking about your Dad, talking about life – and just enjoying each other’s company :). Lots and lots to look forward to :).

  4. Hi, your post really touched my heart. I went through something similar with my mother. She came near to death then recovered and then regressed so many times, it then became a matter of when…it’s so very hard. I’m proud of you for being strong, looking ahead and for caring so much for your dad. Look after yourself x

    • Thanks Scarlet. It truly has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I have beautiful moments in it, and ugly moments in it, but I’m doing my best. I can’t tell you how much it helps to be reminded that I’m not alone in my travels through this. Take good care.

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