Learning to Pause

I rationally know that there should be pauses in life. All of my hobbies hing on timing: music, dance, martial arts, even weight lifting and running. To have good timing, you have to not only know when to do something, but when to not.

Today, I told work that I’m going to stop working (sans two important phone calls over the next week, I know, I know). I’ve been trying to telecommute for over a month now, and they have been more than generous to let me. But, I need a pause. Daddy had pneumonia, is struggling to breathe and is not making any sense anymore. It’s heartbreaking to hear such as rational man not make sense. It’s heartbreaking to look into his eyes and not see my bubbly, warm Daddy looking back at me anymore.

My brother is struggling with when to pause too. He has never once failed a PT test, but his very last PT test before graduation, he didn’t pass. If he had been evaluated on his performance the day before, he would have passed. He did PT twice the day after, and would have passed both of those too. Based on how he counted, he should have passed, but somehow his count was not the same as what his reported numbers showed. 4 stinking situps. He is crushed. Not passing means he cannot get home again until next Tuesday, but then is not needed back on base until July 25th. If he had passed, he would have been able to come home this weekend, but would be needed on base all of next week. I have to believe that he is just supposed to get here next Tuesday, and be with us for a few weeks. He’s not ready to hear that, but it’s the only way I know to make sense of it.

The other person that needs to pause is my mother. She’s running around like a banshee. She is now refusing to let anyone help get her groceries or help in any way. She finally told me yesterday that she just wanted to yell at someone because she was so sad. That was nice to hear. It gives me more patience with her. I hate when she runs off. I’m not terrified to have to call the funeral home, or the doctor to pronounce him. But I am afraid to be here alone when it happens. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that, but I am. I guess I’m not really afraid for him, but I am afraid to experience that much sorrow alone. I don’t get why she can’t see that I don’t want to be left alone here so much.

Ah, family dynamics. Aren’t they great? My dad and I were always a great team. My brother, my mom and I all make a great team too, but it’s different than the ease with which my dad and I worked through things. I am going to miss my dad so much.


10 thoughts on “Learning to Pause

  1. Bonnie, there is nothing to fear. Sing to your Dad if you are with him when the time comes….sing Amazing Grace, or something that he loves to sing/hear.

  2. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The Good Lord will not put you in situations that you cannot handle. If you remember the “Foot Prints in the Sand”, this is where two sets of footprints turn into one. God is carrying you. Take Care and God Bless 🙂

  3. Have you told your mom you need her with you? Maybe if she can’t see what you feel, she might hear it….I don’t know….just a suggestion, and disregard it if it doesn’t sit right with you. The sensitivity you show in your writing to life and those around you tells me you will know what to do. You’ll be ok, but it often helps to ask for what you feel you need.

    • You are so right. It’s so hard for me to ask for what I need. I need to try to find a moment when I think mom can hear me. She’s not able to hear me right now. Thank you for always having sweet comments. Hope you are having a beautiful day and capturing some of those moments for your blog.

      • Thanks…I know it’s hard for her, and that’s why I reminded you to use your excellent intuition and sensitivity. And it’s easy for me to suggest asking for what you need, but it is one of the hardest things for me to do too. It’s amazing when I have asked though, how often I’ve seen it melt the other person and I into a wonderful moment shared. I don’t know cuz I’m not you and I’m not her, but I wonder if it might help ease her to be able to help you when she likely feels so helpless in relation to him? Maybe it would give an anchor to her need to run? All just thoughts to fall as they may. Take care, and thanks for your kind wishes for me too.

  4. I really agree with Sherri…I know that you are always the ‘strong’ one and so hesitant to express need to your mom and brother during this time (although you’ve taken great strides and steps in doing so over the past several months)…but it is so important that you do. You are all a family and in this together…and that means that you are allowed to ask for help and support too…not just be the one to always be giving it :). Love you lots and lots.

  5. I’m reading what you have written about your Mom. The first thing that came to my mind is control. As of this blog post life is out of control for your Mom (for all of you). She is losing her best friend and there’s nothing she can do about it. Perhaps doing all of her errands is her way of maintaining some type of control in her life.

    As for running off, that hit me. When I was losing my Mom; when it was coming so close to the day I was busy busy busy. I didn’t want to be anywhere near any of it. It’s not fair to the other person but as you will find and are probably finding, grief is an individual thing and you almost have tunnel vision when it comes to it. She is probably trying to avoid all of the feelings. Just my thoughts as I read this blog.

    I’m thinking of you. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. It’s just awful. Heart wrenching.

    Take care.

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