Saying Goodbye with I Love You

Tonight my mom and I sobbed.  We have sobbed very few moments since my dad’s diagnosis, but tonight was worth crying over.  My dad is rapidly reaching a point where he can no longer talk.  The simplest sentences are so much effort for him. 

He actually had a really go hour today.  He talked about wanting to make sure my car was fixed, and said he wanted to pay for it. (My car is in the shop right now.)  He talked about how the world needed a Dr. Bobby to be a doctor as well as a Rob Jones (my brother) to be a pilot and a Darin Aldridge (a dear friend and mandolin player) to be a musician.  He talked about golfers that he thought were going to make it to the PGA tour in the next few years, and he talked about some of the difficulties of being a doctor over the years.  He was able to see the final proofs of his second book, Acquisition Syndrome, which will likely be pressed a few days after he passes. 

He also talked about other things.  Things mom and I are barely prepared to deal with.  He looked at my mother and told her, “If I don’t make it, I want you to know you’ve been a wonderful wife.”  Then he asked for me and said, “I love you honey.”  Or perhaps, he said, “I love you Bonnie.”  I guess I’ll never exactly know.  But, he told me he wanted to remind me that he loves me.  I know that so deeply that he never would have to tell me again, but I want to hear it as many times as I can in the next few days.

What if tomorrow he can no longer talk?  I know that day is very near.  I know other harder days are near too.  What if today was the last time I get to hear my daddy tell me he loves me?  Oh dear God, I am not ready for this.  This is not fair.  I know I’ll survive.  I know I can go on.  But, God I hurt so badly.


11 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye with I Love You

  1. It’s the hardest thing to watch someone slowly leave. I’m praying for you – I have been there and it’s so special that he is using his energy to take care of things – it shows how much he loves you.

  2. I am catching up on your blogs. Sorry I haven’t been. I really mean that.

    I have such a lump in my throat as I am reading this post. 😦

    You will be glad you have written all of these things down. It will be important to you one day to have all of this. Make sure to print them off and put in a book or something.

    I am so glad your Dad had the courage to tell you and your Mom how much he loves you both. It was probably something he has felt he needed to say for a while. I’m glad you were there to hear it.

    I’m thinking of you. I do think of you often. I’m here any time to talk.

    Take care.

    • Hey Tiffani! Hope you’ve been well. I’ve been a little missing in action lately because I simply don’t know what to say. But, I like the idea of making copies of these one day. It eventually might be nice to remember. Anyhow, hope you’re good!

  3. I’m hanging in there 🙂 it’s a day at a time, minute at a time!

    I have all of my Facebook notes when I would update people on Kenneth’s progress and bad times. I haven’t looked at them in years but I am glad I wrote it down. I printed them off and deleted them off of FB. But one day when I’m ready or feel like it I’m glad to know the memories are there, even if they are heartbreaking.

    Take care. I hope you’re taking care of yourself 🙂 You need to.

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